Saturday, October 23, 2010

Week 8. Vignette


I was getting annoyed because my boyfriend wouldn’t stop texting me when it was our girl’s night out. Once a month, some of my closest girlfriends and I get all glammed up and hit the town. This month we took a little trip to the Old Port. We went to dinner and began bar hopping. We ended up at Oasis. By 12:00 there wasn’t an open seat to be found. I could barely maneuver myself throughout the people to get to the bathrooms. The dance floor was packed with overly drunk girls, wearing overly short skirts. There were another group of girls celebrating a 21st birthday. The birthday girl looked like she drank one to many cherry bombs. Most of the men were around the edge of the dance floor creeping on girls, hoping for a one-night stand. All I could smell was the PBR that was previously spilled onto my lap, which smelt disgusting. 
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2 comments:

  1. johngoldfineOctober 24, 2010 at 5:25 AM

    You have the idea that the vignette should start with a bang and can end on a PBR note. But this doesn't really work as a vignette yet because the material between the ending and opening spends a lot of energy explaining, leaving little room left over for vignette. Here's what I get when I drop the non-vignette material:

    I was getting annoyed because my boyfriend wouldn’t stop texting me when it was our girl’s night out.... We ended up at Oasis..... I could barely maneuver myself throughout the people to get to the bathrooms. The dance floor was packed with overly drunk girls, wearing overly short skirts. There were another group of girls celebrating a 21st birthday. The birthday girl looked like she drank one to many cherry bombs. Most of the men were around the edge of the dance floor creeping on girls, hoping for a one-night stand. All I could smell was the PBR that was previously spilled onto my lap, which smelt disgusting.

    So, this needs a rewrite--either more descriptive material or maybe a look at your table and your friends or even how that PBR came cascading onto your lap.

    ReplyDelete
  2. CassandraGNovember 1, 2010 at 9:57 AM

    Im having a really hard time re-writing this. i have tried adding little details into it but it doesnt seem like it flows.

    ReplyDelete

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